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Age disparity in sexual relationships is a controversial topic although common among both heterosexual and homosexual couples in many cultures and societies. The composition of the heterosexual couple with regard to the older and younger partner varies, although the most common may be an older male with a much younger female. The most stereotypical perception of these relationships is that of the older males pursuing the female. In fact, the younger female may pursue the older man and initiate the relationship. Situations involving a younger male with an older female also exist, but are not as common. Many psychologists have an intense interest in this phenomenon of age disparity. Age disparity, especially in extreme cases, is often regarded to be a paraphilia.
History
Historically, unequal pairings are quite common; many men in positions of prestige or power have taken young women as lovers or wives. At the same time, women of influence have had no qualms in seeking the affections of young men.
Many arranged marriages are age-disparate, with the husband being much older than the wife. For example, John Rolfe married Pocahontas in 1614; he was at least 10 years older than she. Laura Ingalls Wilder was 10 years younger than her husband. Mail-order brides are frequently younger than their husbands.
Age disparity in gay male relationships is, perhaps, even more historically common than in other relationships. In Ancient Greece, pre-Modern Japan, Melanesia, and Renaissance Florence, pederasty was a socially acceptable practice woven into society. In Ancient Greece, these relationships were sanctioned by the law. Pederasty involves an adult man acting as an educator, mentor, and sex partner to an adolescent male with parental permission.
The United States Census Bureau's March 2000 statistics show some 800,000 unmarried American couples are more than five years divergent in age, and 7 in 100 of women married more than once have a husband 6 or more years younger than they.
Age disparities are very common in Hollywood culture. For example, Michael Douglas is 25 years older than his second wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. Michelle Branch is 19 years younger than her husband Teddy Landau. Mena Suvari is 17 years younger than her husband Robert Brinkmann. Ashton Kutcher is 15 years younger than his girlfriend Demi Moore. Kate Hudson is 13 years younger than her husband Chris Robinson.
Royalty have similarly had such freedom; Henry VIII, for instance, chose women far younger than himself as some of his wives, and a number of female monarchs have chosen younger consorts.
Causes
There are many factors which draw both young and old into such a age-disparate relationships.
Social pressures
Older partners may also seek the connection with the culture of youth, maintaining a connection with the fashion, the music, the media which their age group has ostensibly outgrown. They view the generation gap as an obstacle to pass.
Younger partners may be searching for someone who is intellectually their peer, or they may also be looking for someone who is both sexually attractive and financially secure. Younger male partners may also be seeking an older female partner to whom fecundity is no longer an issue.
Younger partners may see their relationship with an older person as a way of increasing their status within their society. This phenomenon is colloquially called "gold digging".
Psychological
Older partners may seek the youth which has escaped them. They may seek the sexual vigor of the young, which partners of their own age group may no longer possess. Younger partners, on the other hand, may be seeking a parent figure.
Many psychologists study the phenomenon of age disparity, and wonder whether there may be deeper motives behind it other than the aforementioned. They have coined a number of terms to describe various types of psychological preferences:
- Chronophilia is a general term, applied to any age-related preference.
- Ephebophilia is the attraction of older individuals to adolescents.
- Pedophilia is the attraction of older individuals to pre-adolescents.
- Teleiophilia is the attraction of younger individuals to older individuals.
Of these, it is pedophilia that has drawn the most social criticism. Age of consent laws have been passed to deter children from being coerced into sexual relationships.
Age disparity as paraphilia
There is also the issue of whether all age-disparate relationships falls under the definition of paraphilia. Individuals who exclusively pursue age-disparate relationships are generally classified by psychologists as parasexual, that is, their behavior deviates significantly from the social norm. Individuals who occasionally pursue age-disparate relationships are labelled as parasexuals less frequently, except in extreme cases like pedophilia. As is speculated with other practices considered paraphilia, sexual imprinting may play a role in age-disparate relationships.
Social criticism
Age-disparate relationships are frequently seen as aberrant or even perverse. Many societies frown heavily on the "gold digger" mentality. Additionally, extreme disparities in sexual relationships — especially ones involving minors — are generally denounced as pedophilia. The age difference that is generally accepted by society varies directly with the age of the individuals involved in the relationship; larger differences are more acceptable with older individuals. For example, while a seven-year difference might be considered unacceptable (even illegal) between a 22-year-old and a 15-year-old, it is less-commented-upon between a 35-year-old and a 28-year-old, and unnoticed completely between a 72-year-old and a 65-year-old.
Response to criticism
Few people are willing to defend extreme cases of age disparity such as pedophilia. In cases where both partners are consenting adults, however, age-disparate couples are quick to defend the legitimacy of their relationships.
While it is true that some relationships have been labelled as "gold digging" (that is to say, the younger partner's primary interest in the older partner is his/her financial circumstance), a popular adage is "love is blind". For those who feel they are in love, it doesn't matter if their partner is several years older than they are. And as factors such as the divorce rate, changing patterns in dating, and basic incompatibilities affect personal relationships, the average age difference between prospective partners has also changed.
Whatever the case, the younger partner is appreciative of the life experience and wisdom the older partner brings, and the older partner appreciates the vigor, enthusiasm, and new political, social, and cultural perspectives their young partners have to offer.
Slang terms
A number of slang terms exist to describe pairings in which one individual is much older than the other:
- Gold digging refers to a relationship in which a young person pursues an older person for monetary gain, and is discussed in greater detail in other sections of this article.
- May-December romance is a general expression for an age-disparate relationship, and is much less prejudicial than the other two. The expression draws an implicit analogy between one's lifetime and the time of year. Thus "May" refers to the younger partner, who is in the (northern hemisphere) spring of his or her life. "December" is the elder partner, in the (northern hemisphere) winter of his or her life.
- Robbing the cradle may refer to a situation in which an older individual seduces a much younger one, and stigmatizes the act through its use of the word "robbing". The tone of this phrase is highly situational—in some cases, where consensus in a relationship is clear, it is often used in a jesting manner, but where consensus may not be evident, it can be intended in a very pejorative sense. See the section in this article on social criticism. People who 'rob the cradle' are commonly called cradle snatchers or cradle robbers.
- Grave robbing refers to the exact opposite situation to "Cradle snatching/robbing" (above), and the same references to jest and/or social criticism apply here also.
- Sugar daddy refers to an older man who exchanges money or gifts to a younger person in return for companionship or sexual favours. The term is now sometimes used for rich men that are not necessarily much older than the partner.
- Cougars are older women who are attracted to young men; use of this terminology is considered by some to be impolite.
- Mrs. Robinson refers to an older woman, often of anywhere up to middle age, who has a relationship with a much younger man. The term is taken from the film The Graduate.
- Toyboy or Boytoy refers to the younger man in a relationship with an older woman or man.
- Tadpoling refers to a relationship between a younger man and an older woman. A notable example is Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore whose public relationship seems to have started the use of this slang term.
See also
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