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The most popular form of Russian humour consists of jokes (анекдо́ты — anekdoty), which are short stories with a punchline. Russian joke culture is featured by a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russians love jokes on topics met everywhere in the world: sex, politics, wives/husbands, mother-in-law jokes. This article is devoted to jokes about something genuinely Russian or Soviet.
Every category has a host of hopelessly untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and rich Russian foul language.
Stereotypes
Fixed characters
Standartenführer Stirlitz
Standartenführer Stirlitz, alias Colonel Isayev is a character from a Soviet TV series (based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov about a Soviet spy infiltrated into Nazi Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann and Heinrich Müller. Usually two-liners told in parody of the stern and solemn announcement style of the background voice in the original series, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of over-smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz.
- Müller returns to his office and sees Stirlitz kneeling in front of the safe. "What are you doing here?" asks Müller. "I'm waiting for the tram". — "Ah, I see," says Müller and walks out. "...Wait a minute, how can a tram go through my office?" Müller soon realises and rushes back, but Stirlitz has disappeared. "He caught the tram, then", thinks Müller.
- During the ceremony on the occasion of Hitler's birthday, Stirlitz sees "Stirlitz is an asshole!" written in chalk on a nearby wall. ...And only Stirlitz knew that he has been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.
- "Stirlitz! You are a Jew!" — suddenly barks Müller. "No way, I'm a proud Russian one!", briskly retorts Stirlitz, and Müller responds: "Well, I'm a German one."
- Stirlitz sits in his office. Someone knocks at the door. "It's Bormann", thinks Stirlitz. "Yes, it's me", thinks Bormann.
- Stirlitz blasted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.
Poruchik Rzhevski
Poruchik (lieutenant) Rzhevski is a fictional cavalry officer interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. In the aristocratic setting of ball dances and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevski, brisk, but not very smart, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his rude vulgarities. As it was fashinonable among the Russian nobility at the time to speak French, Rzhevski occasionally uses French expressions, of course with a heavy Russian accent.
- Kniaz Obolenski asks Poruchik Rzhevski: "Tell me, Poruchik, how come you're so good with the ladies? Tell me your secret!" — "It's quite simplement, Kniaz, quite simplement. I just come over and ask: 'Let's boink!'" — "But Poruchik, you can get slapped in the face like that!" — "Oui, first they slap, but then we boink!"
- Poruchik Rzhevski asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Have you got a new pun for me to tell there?" — "Sure, master, how about this song: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in the Eden...'" — "A good one!". Later, at the ball: "Messieurs, messieurs! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam boinked Eve early at the dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve all through the night ...' Er... What the heck, of course, they had sex, but it was absolutement splendid in the verse!"
- Poruchik Rzhevski is dancing with Natasha Rostova at the Grand Ball and suddenly he needs to take a leak. Being polite, he says to his lady: "Natasha, I beg your beauty to excuse me for five minutes to check my horse". In five minutes he is back, wet from his spurs to epaulets. "Is it rainy?" wonders Natasha. "No, windy, mademoiselle."
Rabinovich
Rabinovich, an archetypal Russian Jew, often an otkaznik (refusenik), who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.
- Rabinovich fills out an application form. The official is sceptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." "Yes but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"
- Seeing a pompous and luxurious burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head and says: "What a waste! With all this money I could have buried the whole Politburo!"
Vovochka
Vovochka is a Russian cousin of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a shortspeak for Ms Mar'ya Ivanovna. The name is a highly dimunitive form (Vovochka<Vova<Volodya<Vladimir) which creates the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly dimunitive names, such as Mashen'ka (<Masha<Mariya), Peten'ka(<Petya<Pyotr), Vasen'ka(<Vasya<Vasilij), etc. This "little boy" name is used to contrast with Vovochka's very adult, often obscene statements.
- At the lesson of botany, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, who knows, what's this?" Vovochka rises his hand: "Prick, Marivanna!" Mar'ya Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "You, class 4-B, are the worst in the school! Yesterday you broke the window, today..." – he glimpses on the blackboard: – "... today you draw a prick on the blackboard!..."
- The teacher asks to produce a word that starts with the letter "A", and Vovochka happily says "Asshole!". The shocked teacher says that such a word does not exist. "How can it be," - wonders Vovochka. - "The asshole exists, but the word does not?" (A deep philosophical issue is raised in the joke...)
There has also recently appeared a slew of jokes based on the fact that "Vovochka" can refer to Russian President Vladimir Putin.
- Since the election of Vladimir Putin as president, all jokes about Vovochka should be considered political.
Chapayev
Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev, a Red Army officer, was a hero of the Russian Civil War and lead character of a popular movie. Together with his aide Petka (Peter), Anka the machine-gunner (girl), and commissar Furmanov, he is extremely popular in Russian anecdotes. Most common topics are about their fight with the royalist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into a military academy, and the circumstances of his death while attempting to swim across the Ural River.
- "I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it is a bay stallion from 7th cavalry squadron." -- "My fault, Vasili Ivanovich, I've just moved him to the 6th!"
- Chapayev, Petka and Anka are hiding from the Whites and go crawling over a field: Anka first, then Petka, then Chapayev. Petka says: "Anka, you cheated the Party about your proletarian descent! Your mother was probably a ballerine: your legs are so slender!" Chapayev says: "And your father, Petka, surely was a plowman: you are leaving so deep a furrow!"
- On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" -- "How did it go?" - Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exalting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" -- "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And a tricky one: no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it, only wear down your horse." ( Since these heroic times, a huge number of different folk characters starred this joke, including, of course, Rabinovich.)
- A teacher learns that Vovochka's grandfather fought during the Russian Civil War. She ask him to come to the class on the eve the Great October Socialist Revolution anniversary and tell kids his memories. The old man stubbornly refuses, then reluctantly agrees. Kids meet him with excitement: "Say, gramp, did you see Chapayev with your own eyes?" — "Sure thing. Here I am, lying behind a bump on the bank of the Ural river, a Maxim machine gun firmly in my hands. Suddenly I see: someone swims across. My Maxim goes 'tah-tah-tah-tah'. No more red swimmers!."
New Russians, newly-rich, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and most popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his Mercedes with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. A New Russian is often a bandit or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical for New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircut, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, always holding their fingers in the horns gesture.
- "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep with the personal car." -- "No bazaar (i.e., nothing to talk about), son. I'll buy you a bus!"
- "Look at my new tie," says a new Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." "You idiot," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
- What did the New Russian say to the Old Jew? "Can I borrow some money, Dad?"
Animals
Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature stereotypes, such as the violent wolf, the sneaky (female) fox, the cocky coward rabbit, and the strong, simple-minded bear.
- The bear, the wolf, the rabbit and the fox are playing cards. The bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! Whoever cheats will get punched in her face... that's right, her smug red-furred face!!"
Drunkards
- Two drunks get onto a bus. One of them asks "Will this bus take me to 25th Street?" The bus driver says that no, it will not. After a pause, the other man asks "What about me?"
- A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason him: "Don't you see, the latrine is just 25 steps away?" The drunk replies: "Do you think me got a darn fire hose in my pants here?"
- Three drunks crawl along the rail tracks. "What a long ladder we've got onto!" — "And the banisters are so cold!" — "It's OK, the elevator is coming!"
Policemen
These often revolve around the fact that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsiamen take bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.
- An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian Special forces) involving various sized round holes and square pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: very dumb and VERY strong...
- Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competition of militsia department #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 roubles and a ticket to Sochi... The first prize is a portable Stop Sign. (There are several of versions with this punch line about stop sign. This one depicts some other Soviet peculiarities.)
- Q: Why does the militsiaman uniform have five metal buttons on the cuffs of the sleeves?
- A: To prevent nose wiping with the sleeve.
- Q: Why do these buttons shine bright?
- A: They wipe the nose anyway.
- A person on the bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" - "No, why?" - "Specialization: one knows how to read, and another knows how to write." A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder: a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his parthner: "Put it down, Vasya..."
Army sergeants
Probably any nation big enough to have an army has its own good deal of barracks jokes. Unless a word play comes into an action, these jokes are international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males) and so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a sarge is a bully of limited wit.
There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a sergeant:
- Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next dummy!"
- Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence until lunch!"
The punchline from the latter joke forever enriched the Russian language with a cliché for a meaningless job.
Some of them are philosophical, and apply not only to sergeants.
- Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from the above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off.
- Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A sarge comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from the above: "Think, think!" — "No time to think, gotta shake!".
- Sergeant to privates: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°."
- One of the privates replies: "Comrade sergeant, you've been mistaken - it's 100°!"
- Sergeant checks in the book, and then replies: "Right, it's 100°, I've got it confused with right angle!"
Nearly until perestroika, all fit male students of higher education had obligatory military courses to graduate as junior officers in military reserve. A good deal of sergeant/officer jokes originated there.
- "Reporting: Soviet nuclear bombs are 20% more efficient than the A-bombs of the most probable adversary. Explaining: American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!"
- "A nuclear bomb falls exactly into the epicenter."
- "Student, justify your coming to the class wearing pants produced by the most likely military opponent!"
- "Suppose we have a unit of X tanks... no, X is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
- "The attack is signaled with three green sirens into the zenith."
There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:
- Civilian: "You sergeants are dumb. We civilians are smart!"
- Sarge: "If you are so smart, then why don't you march in files?".
Russia and the former Soviet Union have always been multinational, and throughout their history, several stereotypes for ethnicities have developed, often shared with other ethnicities (with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always).
Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka in far-east Siberia, are the classical sort of minority of which every nation has one to make fun of. In jokes they are depicted as generally primitive and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way.
- A Chukcha returns home from the city with a new TV. His wife is surprised: "But dear, we have no electricity!" Chukcha replies smugly: "Chukcha is no fool, Chukcha bought an outlet!"
- "Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" - "Why, is minus fifty outside, is minus ten inside, is plus five within the fridge - a warm place!"
- A Chukcha applies for membership in the Union of Writers, the Soviet state-controlled authors' association. He is asked what literature he knows. "Have you read Pushkin?" "No." "Have you read Dostoyevski?" "No." "Can you read at all?" The Chukcha is offended: "Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!"
- A Chukcha goes to a department store and asks the clerk "Do you have color televisions?" The clerk says yes, they do. "Okay, then, I'll take a green one."
Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.
- A Chukcha and a Russian go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "You say you Russians are so smart," says the Chukcha. "Now you haul this bear ten miles to the yaranga yourself!"
Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.
- A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitment and interest. "What's is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh,", begins the Chukcha in awe, "There everything is build for the betterment of Man. I even saw that man."
Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of bacon, and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.
- An Ukrainian and an African sit in a train compartment. The African takes out a banana. The Ukrainian wonders what that is, and the African shares his banana with him. The Ukrainian then takes out some bacon. The African wonders what that is and asks if he may try it. The Ukrainian replies "It's just common bacon, why try it?"
In addition, Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians.
- The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian peasant, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mikola!" "Yes!" "The Russians have flown into space!" "All of them?" "No, not all of them!" "So why are you bothering me?"
Georgians are depicted as masculine and hot-blooded. Recently they are often depicted homosexual (earlier this trait was atributed only to Armenians). A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including its grammatical mistakes, is funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself.
In Soviet times they were also perceived as running a black market business. It should however be noted that at that time Russians often applied the name "Georgians" (gruziny) to all people from the Caucasus, regardless of their actual nationality. There is a joke, probably based on a real event, that in some police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasus nationality". In Russia itself, most people saw "persons of Caucasus nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers.
- A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving a AK-47 gun and demanding to turn to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with his dagger, blood dripping, and a huge suitcase: "Listen here genatsvale, no any Israel-Misrael, fly Moscow nonstop, my roses are fading!"
Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing the same stereotypes. Their most famous national feature is the fictitious Armenian Radio telling political jokes, see below.
Estonians, allegedly rustic and mean, are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn and taciturn. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. The common usage of two letters in a row in Estonian writing (e.g. Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action.
- An Estonian stands at the railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a hand car, pushing the pump up and down. The first Estonian asks the one on the car: "Is it far to Tallinn?" "No, not far." He gets on the car and together they start pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping, the first Estonian asks again "Is it far to Tallinn?" The other replies "Yes, now it's far."
- Estonian mobile phone operators have introduced a new special promotion: the first two hours of a call are free.
Jews. Jewish humour is a highly developed culture in Russia, created within Jewish mentality about Jews themselves. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wise wit that is characteristic about Jewish sense of humour as present most prominently in Russia and the Ukraine.
- Avram cannot sleep, rolls from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Avram, what's bugging you?" — "I owe Moishe 20 roubles. I have no money to give back. What shall I do?". Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts over to their neighbours: "Moishe! My Avram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't going to give them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Sleep, Avram! Let Moishe not sleep!"
Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two other Westerners, like a German, French, American or Englishman, will provide for a self-ironic punch line depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which ensures he retains the upper hand over his naive Western counterparts.
- A French, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says so: "We shall eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Moscow's Patrice Lumumba University, so I grant each of you a last wish." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. The French asks for three girls. Both of them get theirs and enjoy it. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. When the stunned German asks him why he didn't do this earlier, the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!".
Also when set against own minorities, Russians make fun of themselves.
- A boy asks his father: "Dad, are we Russians or Jews?" "Why are you asking?" "A kid downstairs offers his bike for sale, and I wonder — should I bargain and then buy it, or steal it and break it?"
- A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine emerges. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Where did the Soviet submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North by North-West bearing 149.5 degrees" "Thanks!" says the American, and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North by North-West bearing 149.5 degrees" "Stop pulling my leg," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"
Political jokes
Every nation is fond of this category, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was a thrill similar to that of alpinism: according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code) "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a capital offense.
- An advisor asks Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev: "Leonid Ilyich, I've heard you are a great fan and collector of political anecdotes? How many do you have already?" — "Twelve labor camps!"
Communism
According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing the stage of socialism. The Soviet Union thus was a socialist country trying to build communism, the utopian classless society.
- A foreigner asks a Russian: "Is this already communism you have here, or is it still going to get worse?" The Russian looks around: "How can it get any worse?"
- "Is it true that in communism we will be able to order our food via the telephone?" - "Yes, and we will get it delivered via the television."
- Everyone has a job, but no one actually does any work.
- No one actually does any work, but production targets are always reached.
- Production targets are always reached, but the shops are always empty.
- The shops are always empty, but everyone has all they need.
- Everyone has all they need, but no one is happy.
- No one is happy, but they always vote the Communists back in.
Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.
- "Lenin is dead, but his cause lives on!"
- Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."
- What a coincidence: "Brezhnev is dead, but his body lives on."
- Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernisation of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet government plus electrification!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet government is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet government."
- Ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:
The winter's passed,
The summer's here.
For this we thank
Our party dear
Some jokes allude at notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.
- A: No. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.
The original version was about Cheka, and to fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to do "samooblozhenie" ("self-taxation"): after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.
Gulag
- Abramovich was sentenced 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was released ahead of time.
- Armenian Radio was asked: Is it true that conditions in our labor camp are excellent? — Armenian Radio answers: It is true. Five years ago our listener raised doubts and was sent to investigate the issue. He liked there so much that hadn't returned yet.
Armenian Radio
Questions and answers on the fictitious "Armenian Radio" or "Radio Yerevan" are known even outside Russia.
Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Political figures
Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders feature their very own and personal characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.
- Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "Shoot the driver!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Rehabilitate the driver!" But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"
Lenin
A popular joke set-up is Lenin, leader of the Russian revolution of 1917, interacting with the head of the secret police, Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd.
- During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny and wishes to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing, are we?"
Stalin
Jokes about Stalin are of morose, dark humour, Stalin's words told with a heavy Georgian accent.
- "Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" -- "Shoot him!" -- "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" -- "Good idea!... Shave and then shoot him!".
- Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Ovations.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud ovations.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A pitiful voice: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Khrushchev
Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize (corn). He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promise to build communism in 20 years, or just his baldness, rude talk and womanising ambitions. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.
- Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of Stalin, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian it is Seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to punish". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly) referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya.
- - What did Khrushchev miss to achieve?
- - To build a bridge along the Moscow River, to combine bathtub and flush toilet, and to split the Ministry of Transportation in two: Ministry of Arrivals and Ministry of Departures. (The bathtub and toilet combination pokes at the combined bathroom-and-restrooms in Khrushchev's mass-built cheap apartment blocks. Russians traditionally prefer the two to be separate.)
- "Who is the greatest magician in the Soviet Union?" - "Khrushchev: he sows in Kazakhstan and harvests in Canada.", a reference to the Soviet Union's need to import grain from North America.
Brezhnev
Brezhnev was depicted as a dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur.
- Brezhnev keeps addressing Indira Gandhi as "Mrs Thatcher" in a speech, shouting at his advisors "I can see it's Gandhi, in my speech it says Thatcher."
- At the 1980 olympics Brezhnev is starting to read a speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applaudes. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Illyich, those are olympic rings, don't read them!"
- "Leonid Ilyich!..." -- "Come on, no ceremonies among comrades. Call me simply 'Ilyich' ". (Note: "Simply Ilyich" is a cliché about Lenin.)
- "Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." - "Heart again?" - "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
- To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how you can rule a country; Stalin showed how you should rule a country; Khrushchev showed that any moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not every moron can rule a country.
Geriatric intermezzo
Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: coffin carriage racing. Rabinovich (see above) said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds: "Comrade Andropov is the most switched-on man in Moscow!" "Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"
Gorbachev
Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed actual absurd domestic policy measures as well as Soviet-American relations.
- Gorbachev and Reagan decide to exchange secretaries as a trust-building measure. After two weeks the American secretary writes back home, complaining that the Soviets make her wear longer and longer skirts, covering her female charms. Her Soviet counterpart in turn complains that the Americans insist on shorter and shorter skirts: "Soon they will see my balls and the holster." ( Actually, this is a remake of a joke about vicious Fantomas and dumb but inventive police inspector Juve from a French TV series once popular in the Soviet Union. )
The Yeltsin-era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.
Political jokes under Vladimir Putin are also rather issue-based than personality-based.
Telling jokes about KGB was like pulling the tail of a tiger, but...
- A hotel. A room for four; four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka, get acquainted, drunk, and noisy: singing, telling jokes. The fourth one tries to get some sleep, finally, frustrated, he comes out and asks a maid to bring tea in #67 in 10 minutes. Then he comes back, in 5 minutes comes to a power outlet and says into it: "Comrade Major, tea to #67, please." In 5 minutes, a knock at the door, tea comes, the room is dead silent.
- Next morning this guy wakes up, alone in the room. Surprised, he asks the maid where the neighbors are. -- "We've already... checked them out", she answers. "And by the way, Comrade Major was rolling on the floor off your joke with the tea."
Everyday Soviet life
- What is the relationship between the ruble, the pound, and the dollar? — A pound of rubles costs a dollar.
- What is more useful — a Russian newspaper or a Russian television broadcast? — A newspaper, of course... you can use it to wrap herring.
- A man walks into a store: "You don't have any meat, do you?" "No, we don't have any fish. The store next door doesn't have any meat."
- A man is showing his friends his new apartment. One of them asks: "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds: "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." — "But where?". He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From behind the wall comes a yell: "It's 2AM, you bastard!"
Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union:
- "My wife has been going to cooking school for three years."
- "She must really cook well by now!"
- "No, they've only reached the part about the Great October Socialist Revolution so far."
Others poked fun at the time it could take for consumer goods in the Soviet Union to be delivered:
- "Dad, can I have the car keys?"
- "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
- Q: What is a Tundra toilet?
- A: Two poles. One to beat the wolves off, and one to hang your clothes.
Puns
Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on puns. Of course, 95% of humour is lost in translation, but...
- A variant of the genitive plural of a noun used to indicate five or more of something is the most complicated and unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and nobody knows off the top of their head what the correct form is for certain words, such as kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled in, debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from bureaucrats. Finally, an old caretaker overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. Obvously, the joketeller didn't know what bureaucrats of Imperial Russia already knew; the correct form would be: "Kocherga: 5 items". Also, he probably didn't read a similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko that has yet another answer.
Religion
A notable distinction of the Soviet humor is virtual lack of jokes on religious topics. Clearly, this is not because Russians are so pious. Those few are told in supposedly Church Slavonic language: archaic words are used and unstressed "o" is clearly pronounced as "o" (in modern Russian "Muscovite" speech it is reduced to "a") and rare names of distinctively Greek origin are used. Priests are supposed to speak in basso profondo.
- At the lesson of Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, if the soul is separable from the body or not." -- "Separable, Father." -- "Verily speaketh. Substantiate." -- "That morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice voicing: (imitates bass) '...And now, my soul, rise and dress up' " -- "Substantiateth... But in vulgar!"
- A lass in a miniskirt jumps into a bus, the bus starts abruptly, she falls on the lap of a priest, jumps up, surprised, looks down and says: "Oho!" - "It's not an oho, my daughter, but the key from the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!"
Absurdity
A class of jokes relies on the uncategorizable absurdity of human life:
- Anguish: House in the middle of an empty steppe. A man walks out, yells at the top of his voice: "Fuck you-u-u-u!". Waits for the echo: "you-u-u...". Satisfied, he goes back in.
- A man is driving along the highway. His rear axle falls off. "No problem," he thinks, "If I concentrate hard enough, there'll be someone with a rear axle for me after the next curve." Drives around the curve. — No one. "Obviously I didn't concentrate hard enough. NEXT CURVE!". — Drives around the next curve. A guy is standing there. The driver stops. "Well?" — "Leave me alone, will you? I don't have your rear axle!!"
Black humour
- An old woman stands in the market with a sign "Chernobyl mushrooms." A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."
University students
The life of most Russian university students is often associated with lack of money, hunger and other miserable conditions for many people coming from small towns, living in dormitories. State universities are notable for carelessness about the students' comfort and the quality of food. Most jokes make fun of these grotesque conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, and sometimes even about alcoholic addictions of engineering students.
Also, there is a number of funny student fetishes such as "zachetka"(a book of grades, carried by every student), "khalyava"(a chance of getting good or acceptable grades for nothing) and getting a scholarship for good grades. Also, it should be noted that the standard exam format is usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a "bilet"(small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student receives in the exam room, and is given some time to prepare answers for.
- A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died from eating it.
- A crocodile's stomach can stomach concrete. A student's stomach can stomach that of crocodile's.
- In a lecture there are 3 students in the class. Suddenly, 5 students stand up and leave. "If another 2 people come in, then there will be nobody listening", thought the professor.
- A professor is tired of talking to an ignorant student during an exam, and asks him:
- "What is an exam in your opinion?"
- "It is a discussion of the matter between two intelligent people."
- "What if one of those two is an idiot?"
- "Then the other one will lose his scholarship."
Abstract jokes
"Abstract joke", "abstract humor" is a Russian term for a non-joke.
- A brick lays under the sun, warms itself. A gaggle of geese flies by. "Hello, brick! Let's fly South!" The brick thought for a while and began to smoke a pipe.
- A cow went a-fishing and sees an elephant swimming by. "Hello, cow! Is it far to a bridge?" "Which one do you want: across or along the river?" "It doesn't matter to me: I am in silk stockings!"
Cowboy jokes
Cowboy jokes is a popular series about Wild Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboys, and of course everything is BIG in Texas. It is usually difficult to guess whether they are imported or genuinely Russian invention.
- In a saloon.
- - The guy over there really pisses me off!
- - There are four of them; which one?
- (Mr. Colt speaks three times...)
- - The one still standing!
- A cowboy rides across a prairie. His inner voice tells him: "Get off the horse and dig a hole!". The cowboy does this and finds a box of siver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the inner voice again. The cowboy digs a box of diamonds. "Now I am wondering how you will get yourself out," says the inner voice.
Jokes about madmen
- An inspector comes into the mad house and sees psychos diving into an empty basin heads down. "What are they doing?" - asks he the nurse. "The chief doctor promised to fill the basin with water when they learn to dive safely."
Taboo vocabulary
Obscene language is salt and pepper of the vast majority of joke narration. Unfortunately they are nearly impossible to render in English. However there are two "extremal" types of
jokes that directly rely on the expected, casual usage of obsenity in speech of common folk, workers and peasants, where it is possible to explain the works of the humor.
In one series a typical plot goes like follows. A construction site expects an inspection from ministry, and a foreman warns the workers to watch their tongues. Next day, during the tour for VIPs a worker drops a hammer from the fourth floor right on the head of his colleague... The punch line should be an extremely polite, classy uterance (from the mouth of an injured).
Another series of jokes is based on the fact that nearly any noun, verb or adjective may be replaced with a Russian word derived from "penis", with no loss of meaning of the sentence. (By the way, this is an interesting topic of linguistics, namely, redundancy of natural speech.) The goal of the joke is to squeeze as much "penile" substitutes into a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. In one extreme example, the following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker turns out to be 100% substitutable by 11 penis-derived words, all different!
- - Why did you load of this stuff so much? Unload it anywhere you want!
- - No! there is no need to unload! It is loaded just fine!
Word-by-word:
- - Na ##ya (Why) do##ya (so much) ##yni (stuff) na##yarili (was heaped)? Ras##yarivay (remove) na##y! (anywhere; out of here)
- - #ya! (No way) Ne##y (No need) ras##yovyvavat (to remove)! Na##yucheno ((It) was heaped) ni##yovo (well)!
External links
- 1001 Soviet political anecdotes (http://sources.wikipedia.org/wiki/1001_%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%BB%D0%B8%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%87%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BA%D0%B8%D0%B9_%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B5%D0%BA%D0%B4%D0%BE%D1%82) (in Russian) at Wikisource
- anekdot.ru (http://www.anekdot.ru/), the most popular Russian humor website (in Russian)
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