Tommy Boy is a 1995 comedy movie starring Chris Farley and David Spade.
Cast
Plot
Tommy Callahan is a ne'er-do-well prone to drinking binges and bouts of stupidity. After he finally graduates from Marquette University (in seven years), he returns home to his town of Sandusky, Ohio, where his father, "Big Tom" Callahan, gives him a cushy job at the family Auto Parts plant.
However, when Big Tom passes in a heart attack on his wedding day, just after his marriage to Beverly Barish-Burns, and the bank reneges on Callahan Auto's massive loans, it's up to Tommy and his father's assistant, Richard Hayden, to save the plant. Through both well-written comedy and serious, dramatic moments, this movie is remembered as both Farley's and Spade's best work by many, apart from their time on Saturday Night Live.
The film did surprisingly well with both the critics and the movie-going public. The Saturday Night Live partners returned for an equally successful, though critically panned film called Black Sheep (1996), which played on the same format with an almost identical plot (Farley's character is in danger of letting down a family member and is assigned to the corporate slacker Spade. The two cause a number of disasters but eventually come good and save the day).
External links
Tommy : Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Ted : I'm listening.
Tommy : Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted : Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy : 'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
Ted : What's your point?
Tommy : The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted : But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
Tommy : Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
Tommy : I left a message.
Richard : Really, what number did you call?
Tommy : Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard : I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy : It was a cordless.
Richard : You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
Richard : I can practically hear you getting fatter.
Michelle : Listen you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.
Richard : Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
Tommy : Did you hear I graduated?
Richard : Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy : You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard : I know, they're called doctors.
Tommy : Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady : [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy : No, I meant, you can get a good look at a T-bone steak by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard : [embarrased] Wow.
[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately poor into an open slot]
Richard : Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy : I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard : I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy : Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard : Are you talking?
Tommy : Shut up, Richard.
[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard : Housekeeping, you want me for pillow?
Tommy : Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Richard : Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
Tommy : What kind of hotel is this?
[Opens door]
Tommy : Who the hell are... Oh it's you.
Richard : Good morning, Sunshine.
Tommy : You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks this wind doesn't pick up, cuz if it does I'm gonna sail over there and shove an oar up your ass.
Ray Zalinsky : Ted, send over a bottle of bubbly in a bucket of ice and a card. Have the card read, "Tough luck, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
Richard : Okay, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy : No shit from anyone.
Richard : No.
Tommy : Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard : We don't take no for answer.
Tommy : Right.
[After Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself]
Ray Zalinsky : Goin' a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there kid?
Tommy : No, it's an auto air freshener.
Ray Zalinsky : Good, you've pinpointed it, now the next step is washin' it out.
Richard : Ok, here is Tommy, he's gonna help me with my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.
Richard : And, the life vests, these you might need. But what are the chances of us hitting a lake. If my money says anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
Richard : Okay... seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and... I tell ya what. If you don't know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I'll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you're a RETARD.
Richard : Mommy, mommy, the Rhino's getting to close to the car.
Tommy : Him too afraid to get out, him's just a little guy.
Richard : All right, that's it fat boy I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy : Hey, boys and girls, it's Poppa Smurf!
Tommy : [They pull up by a tree] Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.
[Richard begins driving away]
Tommy : What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants.
Tommy : Hey, What's your name?
Waitress : Helen.
Tommy : That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, were both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into some guys office and let's say hes even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh , my pretty little pet, I love you. So I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it, hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, your naughty. Then I take my naughty pet and I go ( makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll) Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. That's when I blow it. That's when people like us gotta forge ahead Helen, am I right?
Waitress : God, your sick."
Paul : You eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy : Ha ha ha, why?
Tommy : [Tommy running into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.
Tommy : Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE EMBUNKMENT!
[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]
Richard : I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy scoffs]
Tommy : It's HERBIE Hancock.
Richard : What is the carrying charge for our warehouse?
Tommy : Geez, I knew this one. Uhhhhhhh.
Richard : One and a...
Tommy : ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard : Try an association such as; Let's say the average person uses ten percent of his brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is filled with malted hops and bong resin.
Tommy : Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard : Don't do it.
Tommy : Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Don't
Tommy : [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy : Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy : Uh oh!
